How to support your partner through menopause

Whilst it’s not altogether unexpected, when menopause eventually arrives it can be
surprising, unpleasant, and more than a little emotional. “Hot flushes” have always
headlined the stages of menopausal transition but as many of us are discovering,
there’s so much more to it. From physical pain to mental and emotional distress,
women are swinging between irritation, confusion and tears.

Struggling to maintain relationships. Struggling with their mental health. Struggling to
keep their careers. And a huge one: struggling with their self-identity.

The Psychological Adjustments of Menopause

The aging process is no easy pill to swallow. While we all agree that getting old is the
goal, it can still be discombobulating to see an older face in the mirror and yet feel so
young inside. Or struggle to move as easily as we once did not so long ago. We
could be regretting the dream we didn’t pursue. Maybe, life just didn’t turn out the
way we thought it would.

It’s a highly personal journey and compounded with the menopause transition, we
become sensitive and emotional, and often withdraw. Our partners meanwhile, are
scratching their heads wondering what they’ve done “wrong”. We all turn inwards
and self-soothe from time to time, but if we’re not communicating with our other
halves, there can be a lot of hurt feelings, cross-words and misunderstandings.
It can be a tough time for women, but can be equally as tough on the men who care
about them. The woman may not even realise that she’s in perimenopause until she
puts the pieces of the puzzle into place, perhaps with a little help from Dr Google and
YouTube. Let down also by health practitioners from a lack of information, a lack of
diagnosis, and in some cases, an outright denial of symptoms, if we don’t even
understand what’s going on with our bodies, how could our partners possibly know?
What’s Actually Happening to Her?

What is the Impact of Menopause on Male Partners?

According to “The MATE survey: “men’s perceptions and attitudes towards
menopause and their role in partners’ menopausal transition”*, “63% (284/450) of
survey respondents reporting that their partner’s symptoms had personally affected
them. Specifically, men affected by menopausal symptoms noted that the symptoms
put an emotional strain on their relationships (34%; arguments, unappreciated,
tension, etc), reduced the frequency of sex/intimacy (33%), and contributed to
trouble sleeping (10%).

Some men (11%) noted that it was upsetting or frustrating to see their partners going
through this transition. Most men affected by menopausal symptoms believed the
symptoms had a very or somewhat negative impact on them (77%), their
relationships (56%), or their partners (70%). Approximately 10% of men thought the
symptoms had a positive influence on them, their relationships, and partners.”
In another study, “Husbands’ support of their perimenopausal wives”, most of the 96
participants said they had some information about menopause (mostly gained from
their wives), but more than 1 in 4 knew little or nothing. One third of the husbands
didn’t think they were supportive, but the majority said they provided mostly
emotional support. They reported numerous stressors in their lives, including work
and financial problems and declining health and sexual response. Lack of
information, negative effects of their wives’ menopausal transition, and their own
stresses may have interfered with husbands’ ability to provide social support.
In a third study, “Attitude towards menopause among married middle-aged adults”, it
was the wives who generally expressed a more positive attitude towards menopause
than their husbands, and with more symptoms than their husbands thought they
were having. For both women and men, a more positive attitude towards
menopause was associated with women who reported fewer symptoms.

It would be easy (and unfair) to generalise by saying that men just need to show a
little more understanding and compassion, but it’s not that simple. Clear
communication really does benefit both parties and is the responsibility of both. All
relationships go through tests and trials, and many can come through the other side
stronger than before. The fact is, menopause has a huge impact on a woman’s
physical and mental health, and even her life expectancy, so it certainly pays to
make the effort.

Tips to help your support your partner through menopause

Education

Learn as much as you can about perimenopause and menopause to understand her
experience.

Menopause causes changes in the female body, mainly through the decreased
production of estrogen. Some women have very few symptoms and it’s over quickly,
while others can be hit with a host of unpleasantries that last a long time.
Understanding the symptoms can help you recognise them as they arise, and
anticipate how they will affect your partner.

Talk

Ask your partner directly how they are feeling, and how you can support them.
Understand that their mood swings may be driven by the changes in their hormones,
and be erratic and disproportionate to the issue at hand. Try to stay compassionate
and supportive rather than reactive.

Sexual Issues

A lot is going on “down there” for her, much of which she may not want to open up
about. She may have lost her libido or sex may even have become painful.
Be patient. There are other ways to enjoy intimacy in the meantime.

Support

Encourage (and model) healthy lifestyle changes and activity such as strength
training, walking, dancing or yoga – or suggest an activity you could do together. Try
to keep some playfulness and fun in your together time; suggest something new to
break out of stale routines and unhelpful habits.
Be prepared to suggest some professional help if necessary. Be open and sensitive
with her about what you’re seeing and ask if she thinks a professional opinion might
be helpful.
Keep in mind that mental health conditions often begin or worsen in the menopausal
transition, and that this is the peak age group for suicide in women. If she has
worrying mental health signs then she may need your support to access care
quickly; start with her usual GP.
Partners should seek support for themselves too. You’re not the only one struggling
to work out what’s going on with a menopausal partner, so why not try opening up
that conversation with friends at similar life-stage and see what happens. You might
feel pleasantly validated.

Why is this so Important?

Because you care about her, so her well-being matters. Because she’s the other half
of the team. Because she needs your support right now, navigating this
uncomfortable time. You can make a huge difference to her experience simply by
being alongside her for the journey.

There is help available for your partner during this time: knowledgeable health
professionals, lifestyle modifications, daily movement, nutrition, supplements, and
hormonal and non-hormonal treatments can all help alleviate symptoms, and
improve future health.

She’ll work it out, and if you remain engaged and supportive you’ll come through it
together, perhaps even stronger than before.